Puppets Are Evil

by Chris Vegvary

I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about why puppets should not exist. Of course, I could sum up this whole article by just telling you to go watch Peter Jackson’s film Meet the Feebles, but I wouldn’t do that to you, because that’s one of the worst things a person could do to another person. If you’ve seen this film, then you may have an inkling of what I’m talking about. Basically, the point I’m trying to make is that all puppets, no matter how harmless they look, are evil at their core.

Remember the movie Puppet Master? Those puppets weren’t necessarily evil, but they did evil things and yes, I am also judging them based on their appearances in this case. For instance, you’ve got the one pale, white puppet with the hat and black jacket, who seems to have blades protruding from many parts of his body. One of his hands is a knife and the other is a sharp hook, and I believe blades even come out of his eyes. Then you’ve got the evil grinning cowboy puppet with the six arms and a gun in each hand, and all the rest. Not the kind of dolls you want to send your children to bed with.

The Muppets? What are these horrible monstrosities given life through puppetry? No, I’m just kidding. The Muppets are probably the one form of puppet I can stand (not all of them, however). Jeff Dunham, though…he has some eerie-looking puppets. Yeah, some of them are meant to be adorable, like Achmed the Dead Terrorist and the purple critter whose name I don’t know, but in reality, they’re just horrific to look at. They sound funny, though.

While this may be slightly off-topic, I like the movie Puppet Master, but not as much as I enjoyed the movie The Puppet Masters, which has nothing to do with puppets. People always get the two confused, and for good reason…the titles are so similar. Back to puppetry, however: what of movies like Dead Silence, which features a whole collection of possessed puppets just waiting to rip someone’s jaw off? Those puppets are pure evil, and they kill, so…not cool.

There’s less evil puppets that are used for evil purposes, like the Billy doll from the movie series Saw. While the doll started out looking normal enough, if not a little terrifying, Jigsaw twisted Billy’s appearance to match the ugliness of his victims, and the doll was used as a form of communication between Jigsaw and his victims, but was also sometimes used as a weapon. And please, don’t even get me started on Chucky. Evil, evil, evil.

What’s my point here? If you haven’t gotten it by now, I can’t explain it any better than this: puppets are evil and not to be messed with. Whether they have their own agenda, or their possessed by the soul of a serial killer, or haunted by demonic entities, one thing is for sure: most of them are out to kill you. Take care around horrible puppets and if you think you see one move out of the corner of your eye, go with that feeling. It might just save your life.