Can We Have A “Twisted Land of Oz” Movie…or Game?

by Chris Vegvary

You guys have seen The Wizard of Oz, haven’t you? It’s a classic. How about the more recent Oz The Great and Powerful? Powerful, powerful stuff (not really). While it was a newer take on the classic, albeit a prequel, it was more of the same old nonsense that we were used to in the past. Not in all ways, but it didn’t feel all that different. I submit to you that we take Todd McFarlane’s (creator of Spawn) line of action figure series titled The Twisted Land of Oz and make us a horror film or even a horror video game based on the mythology we’ve been given with the original stories.

Let’s pretend for a little while that you’re Dorothy and you’re wandering through the land of Oz, maybe following some kind of gold-painted street. Can you imagine the horror you might feel if you saw some terrifying, poorly put-together, scythe-wielding, zombie-like Scarecrow shambling out of the cornstalks toward you? Does he want help? Does he want to help you? Or is he there to take you apart and use pieces of your body to make up for what he doesn’t have? There’s just no telling with this guy. Remember how cheerful and light-hearted the Scarecrow from the original was? Not here. Not anymore.

You, as Dorothy, have managed to talk down the zombified brute known as the Scarecrow and promised that if he helps you find this so-called “Wizard of Oz,” he can give the Scarecrow a brain with which to think instead of mindlessly attacking. So you and the Scarecrow skip on your merry way down the road, only to run into a half-man, half-machine monster called the Tin Woodsman, who is frozen in place. He needs oil in order to function, and there just so happens to be some nearby, so you use it on him. He springs back to life and immediately starts chopping. You manage to talk him down, coming to some sort of agreement regarding the need to meet up with this so-called “Wizard of Oz,” and the Tin Woodsman has sworn not to rip you to shreds until he gets the special human heart he needs to sacrifice in order to keep on living.

So the three of you keep right on skipping down that road. What, oh what, could you possibly come across next? Why, it’s a lion viciously eviscerating the carcass of a Munchkin that couldn’t take it anymore and hung himself. Upon seeing you, the lion turns rears back in fear (Munchkin entrails still hanging from his mouth), and you realize you’ve come across a Cowardly Lion of some sort. Perhaps he can be of use to you in your quest to murder the Wicked Witch of the West and find the Wizard before it’s too late. Too late for what? I don’t know, but it’d be something drastic.

The possibilities for this sort of thing are endless. While I want to just keep going on with this, I’ve given away enough good ideas for the time being. Still, it would be really awesome to see something like this one day, and while I’m not really a fan of any movie in the Oz series, perhaps this could get me interested in it.

What’s Going Down With Charlie Brown?

by Chris Vegvary

You remember the old Peanuts gang, don’t you? Charlie Brown, the little kid who just couldn’t, and his dog Snoopy, who has flashbacks of wars long-passed, and Snoopy’s little dyslexic flying friend Woodstock? And let’s not forget the rest of the gang. Lucy, the sadistic girl psychiatrist, who seemed to get off on seeing Charlie Brown get hurt both physically and emotionally; Charlie Brown’s crazy sister Sally, who has a strange and unhealthy obsession with the distant, cold, piano-playing Schroeder; Linus, the emotionally crippled kid who still clutches a shred of his childhood blanket and sucks his thumb, and who waits every Halloween in a pumpkin patch to summon an evil spirit called the Great Pumpkin; and the rest of the terrible crew.

Charlie Brown cartoons are fairly old, and I don’t think there’s been a fresh one since the 1970’s, but I could be wrong about that. Watching them now, some of the references are surprisingly adult, and it’s kind of a mystery to me why there was never a live-action film based on the Peanuts characters. A film could have been made back in the day, before all this new-fangled modern technology came out, where now we might see the entire gang texting on cellphones and whatnot.

I’ve heard that they were making a film based on the Archie comics, but it’s not going to be the film you’re probably expecting. The film will deal with a zombie attack in the town of Riverdale, forcing Archie and friends to fight for their lives against the undead. Sounds far-fetched, right? It’s true, though. So I ask you, why can’t we see a Peanuts film based around a zombie attack or something similar, with Charlie Brown and the gang taking up arms against an army of Walkers? Of course it would have to be a light-hearted comedy, but with the popularity of zombies nowadays due to shows like AMC’s The Walking Dead, and with classic comic characters like Archie getting their own zombie-ridden live-action films, why not get Charlie Brown into the mix? Imagine Snoopy swooping down like a World War I flying ace and blasting apart zombies from atop his mystical dog house.

I’m sure it won’t happen, or it definitely won’t happen anytime soon, but if you think about how I described the Peanuts characters earlier in the article, you might have yourself a decent dark drama/horror/comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from classic comic strips. Let’s make Charlie Brown and Snoopy and all the rest relevant again by giving them their own movie.

Hollywood At It Again: Monster Squad Remake

by Chris Vegvary

For the life of me, I just can’t understand what the appeal is for the people in Hollywood who have decided that every movie under the sun needs to be remade. Not just the old films, or the classics, but even the newer films that have no need of it. For instance, when the Twilight film series ended, dollar signs were still in the eyes of the people in charge, and they had a nice, long discussion about remaking the series. Already. It’s kind of disgusting when you think about it, the way they disrespect all these older movies by taking them, rewriting them, and slapping the label of a “reboot” on them, essentially saying that the original wasn’t good enough, and that they want to see their version of what the events should have been.

Some movies, of course, deserve to be remade. But I ask you, people, do we need a remake or a “reboot” of the film Monster Squad? The 1987 film featured a variety of classic Universal monsters led by Dracula, who is looking for an amulet that Van Helsing once used to try and send him to Limbo. A group of local kids, who call themselves “The Monster Squad” due to their love of all things horror-related, discover Dracula’s plan and attempt to stop him with the help of an old German man who lives in the neighborhood.

The movie is a classic, and it is a fondly remembered part of my childhood. I am personally not into the classic black-and-white films of old featuring the classic movie monsters featured in the film Monster Squad, but the way they were represented in the movie made them more modern and likeable. For example, the character who turns into the wolfman very much wants to have nothing to do with Dracula and his crew. In his human form, he knows he turns into a werewolf, and he wants to be locked up or killed so he can’t hurt anyone. When he turns into a wolfman, he pretty much does Dracula’s bidding as an unstoppable killing machine, even being blown apart with a grenade and then reconnecting all the pieces of his body, because apparently a werewolf can ONLY be killed by a silver bullet. Priceless.

But these monsters are not all bad. Dracula has a cadre of villains to follow him, including a wolfman, a gillman (reminiscent of the Creature From the Black Lagoon), a mummy, and the Frankenstein monster. Out of all these movie monsters, the only one who seems to be genuinely good is Frankenstein, as he resists Dracula’s plan from the beginning, though he is pretty feeble-minded due to being a walking corpse sewn together with the parts of other dead people. Not to mention that he’d been asleep for at least a couple hundred years before Dracula woke him up.

So I ask you, world: do we need a remake of Monster Squad? I couldn’t say for sure, but I would think not. A more modern version might be nice, with more recent horror movie villains filling in for the classic versions. It’ll never happen because it would be a licensing nightmare, but just imagine for a moment, if you would, a film featuring Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Chucky, Pinhead, Pumpkinhead, Candyman, the Creeper (from Jeepers Creepers), Leatherface, and The Tall Man (from Phantasm) all together in one movie, Freddy being the ringleader in the same way Dracula was in the original, and the Monster Squad facing off against them. While it would have to be rated R in order to get the full effect of all these awesome characters, that would be a movie we could all look forward to.

Dress Up Your Dog

by Chris Vegvary

Animals have no need to wear clothes, yet there are clothes out there made specifically for pets. What does this mean? Is it that we want to see them this way, or are they secretly communicating with us in order to let us know that they do, in fact, need clothing in order to get by? I lack the ability to communicate with dogs, so I could never honestly answer this question, but if you and your pet have some kind of mental link, or perhaps it talks to you similar to how Garfield and Jon communicate, then maybe you already know something I don’t.

If you feel like your pet wants to dress up in something, don’t be afraid to make that happen. Dogs may or may not feel embarrassment, but you won’t know until you put them in a ridiculously adorable costume, will you? Christmas already came and went, less than a week ago now, and you have a pet dog. Did you get them anything for the holiday season? Perhaps they’d like to be dressed up as an elf. It’s not strange if your dog enjoys the costume, either. If they didn’t, what would any of this be for? Nothing, that’s what. We can’t let that happen.

You don’t want your dog to go around just looking like a dog this year, do you? No, of course not. It’s not like there are only costumes for one time out of the whole year, right? Halloween is nice, but that time of year has come and gone, and your dog still wants to wear a delightful outfit. There’s all kinds of precious-looking pet costumes, including ones that can make your dog into a butterfly, a pirate, or even Michael Jackson (it’s truly terrifying, as you can see). I dare say that your dog would thank you for such a thing, if they could.

So are you convinced now that the best idea for your dog is to put it in a hilarious costume? I know I am. If you’re looking for the sort of costumes pictured, you can take a gander at those and a whole lot more by following some of the links throughout this article. Unfortunately, there are currently no selections for cats, but that might change…once cats become slightly more agreeable creatures.

Why Are There So Few Good Werewolf Movies?

by Chris Vegvary

How come werewolves aren’t as popular as vampires? Is it because they’re more likely to shred you with their bare claws and teeth (unless you’re dealing with one of those feral-type vampires)? I say that makes them more terrifying. And while I’m not arguing whether or not werewolves are scary as all hell (they are), I am arguing that there are so few good werewolf movies out there that it’s ridiculous.

When I think of a “good” werewolf movie, I’m not talking about something out of Twilight or Wolf, but more like something out of Dog Soldiers or the original Howling. By that, I mean biped werewolves that walk around on two legs, not a person who turns into a timber wolf or something like that. I enjoyed Eli Roth’s Netflix series Hemlock Grove, but the werewolf in that just turns into a wolf, although the transformation is pretty sick-looking. Ok, and the one from An American Werewolf in London, even though it was a four-legged wolf, was just horrific. I mean that in a good way, because that thing’s face was kind of disturbing to look at.

There’s something to me that feels more dangerous about a seven- or eight-foot-tall werewolf towering over you, drooling all over you and getting ready to rip you apart. Does anyone remember the movie Waxwork (1988)? While it was a comedy, it also featured a scene with a werewolf that haunted my dreams for a while after I saw it (I was a kid the first time). The werewolf grabs this guy by the head and splits his face open, and just rips him in two. It was truly disgusting, but that’s what werewolf movies out there are lacking these days. Also, I want to point out that there’s WAY too much CGI being used in Hollywood today, and werewolf movies are no exception.

Can we just make a good werewolf movie already? I’m kind of tired of seeing the same nonsense being put out these days, not doing right by my lycanthropic brothers and sisters. There have been attempts, like the Ginger Snaps trilogy, but I wasn’t too thrilled with those, and Wes Craven’s Cursed ended up being rated PG-13 after going through development hell. I enjoyed the remake of The Wolfman, but I do prefer werewolves to wolfmen, because there’s a big difference. Perhaps you, reading this article, could be inspired to go out there and make the werewolf movie we’ve all been waiting to see? It can’t be light-hearted, or a love story, or any of that old jazz. It’s got to be horribly violent; it has to rely more on old-fashioned effects than CGI; and it has to be a large, scary beast that wants nothing more than to eat you alive.

If your interest in werewolves and whatnot has reached new heights by reading this article, or if you’re just interested in horror in general, I encourage you to follow the links throughout to find some nice werewolf-related costumes and accessories for your next party, or if you’re looking to scare someone. What do you say to that?

Have A Costume Party

by Chris Vegvary

Why haven’t you had a costume party lately? Is it because you think costume parties are out? Can you not find the right costume? Let me just tell you that costume parties are still just as relevant today as they were in the 1980’s, like in all those movies you’ve probably seen.

How come you haven’t attended a costume party any time recently? If the reason is because you couldn’t find a good costume, then I can show you to some good stuff. Did you want to be a vampire? How about a witch? Be a box of cereal or anything you can think of. Couldn’t find a mask you wanted? Any excuse you can come up with to not attend or host a costume party, I can find two reasons why you should.

So what if it’s not Halloween just now? That is not necessarily a prerequisite of throwing a costume party, although admittedly, it does help. Don’t worry that it’s not that time of year. How about bringing a little nostalgia back into your life by throwing a costume party? I can’t stop pushing you into it until you agree to do it. I wouldn’t feel right about it.

Don’t judge me because I think costume parties are word; instead, join me in celebrating dressing up like other people or creatures and partying up the night. Bring your accessories and make it a real party. Not enough people throw or go to costume parties these days, and I’m aiming to change that by telling you that you should do it. Do yourself and your party guests a favor, though, and don’t host any parties in any abandoned or haunted buildings, mines, cemeteries, caverns, etc., or you’ll likely be looking at a horror movie-type situation, in which case I can no longer help you.

What’s Up With Ghosts?

by Chris Vegvary

Why are ghosts so terrifying? It could be the possibility that they actually exist, according to so many encounters and reality TV shows, yet I’ve never had the misfortune of having to see one. I’ve seen plenty of fictional ghosts, however, ranging from light-hearted Ghostbusters-style ghosts to twisted, pain-inducing ghosts in Insidious. While the ghosts in Insidious give me the chills, the ones in Ghostbusters do not, but that’s not to say I’d want to hang out with Slimer any time soon.

Luckily, if you own an animal, they apparently have the ability to sense things that come from another plane of existence. If you don’t own an animal, or if your animal is just too lazy to warn you when ghosts are near, there are ways to repel them. For instance, there are ghostly decoys you can use to draw them away, maybe make them think their colluding with fellow ghosts, when the decoys are actually for helping you keep it distracted while you either get away or try to capture the ghost (in a jar, like a lightning bug).

Or you could try these props to confuse the ghost. They point the undead towards the way they’re supposed to go, and assuming they go that way, you lead them right into a trap. If you don’t see yourself being able to trap a ghost, or if you find that there’s no escape for you do to supernatural trickery, you might try one last thing: pull out the ghostly shot glasses and see if it wants to join you for a drink.